Cough please...

Ok, having insurance for the first time in many years is a huge blessing and I feel very fortunate. There is a great sense of security in having it. So as to not waste it, especially where I haven't been feeling well, I decided it was time for me to check under the hood for frayed belts, split hoses, faulty spark plugs or low fluid levels.

So, I did it! I went in for a "full" check-up. A very nice doctor and thankfully extremely professional. However, no level of professionalism could make THAT experience a comfortable and enjoyable one.

I am sorry but hospital gowns flat out are not modest or comfortable! No matter how you try to tie that danged thing it leaves HUGE voids in coverage. And what is up with having you sit down on the table with such voids? That partial strip of paper does not cover the entire table cushion! So, what do they do to properly clean and sanitize that portion of vinyl that is still exposed to... well... enough said. Personally, I don't think pulling 6 more feet of paper out and discarding the old is quite enough!

Anyway, I remember being absolutely terrified when I was a young man about that part of the process when the doc stood to the side of you while applying pressure in a particularly uncomfortable location while asking you to turn your head and cough. Then, onto the other side and in 10 seconds the unpleasant experience was over. The doc would then ask you about something manly like the sport you were going to play in that prompted the physical or hunting and killing something. Handled properly both the doctor and patient could move past the awkward moment and act as if it had never happened.

Well, times have changed! And I was not included in the voting. For that matter, I think it was all women who voted! The first 10 minutes went great except for my blood pressure test (143). I even got a steroid shot for my allergies that should help tremendously. But, then my every nightmare came roaring to life in full color. My doc sits down and instructs me to stand in front of and face him. He then lifted my gown. I watched for evidence that he was holding back from laughing and thankfully didn't find any. I had many thoughts surge through my mind. But, one of them wasn't that it was MY responsibility to hold the gown in a suspended position. So, I had to be instructed making me feel really dumb in addition to feeling totally stripped of all "coolness". I obeyed and might I add did a superb job. NOT A COOL MOMENT! I missed the good old days without a doubt. But, the good news is I did not have a hernia.

Then, I was instructed to lay down on the table. I grew intensely uncomfortable as I was given further instruction. "Please turn onto your left side and pull your knees up into your chest. This would not be comfortable to do fully clothed! I will skip the details of the next 30 seconds except to say that I would rather walk across broken glass... check that... I would rather crawl on all fours across a football field of broken glass while chewing a mouthful. The good news is I have a very healthy prostate! Those billboards didn't say anything about having to do that more than once if you are older than 40 just that you should do it! I consider my duty fulfilled for life.

So, in the next few weeks I have to fulfill his instructions. I will have my throat stretched to correct my narrowing which causes my choking. I will take medication for my extreme heartburn and reflux. I will also do a treadmill test, EKG and blood work. For all of this it will only be around $4,000 so I am thankful for a reasonable co-pay and deductible.

Here's to good health. And to all of my male relatives and friends... if I can do it so can you! And let me give you a little advice for when you do... do not, absolutely, do not ask your wife for sympathy and understanding! She sees your pathetic inferior experience very insignificant compared to what she has endured!