Happy Camp continued

Before I continue with my experiences in Happy Camp I should clarify that I truly appreciate ALL of the experiences I had there as a boy. At the time some of them were amazingly difficult but the experiences, good and bad, as a whole contribute to who I am (good and bad).

When things got really bad I would sometimes cry. I still do. Not over those memories of course. Anyway, I quickly learned that letting the wolves see me cry just motivated them to be even more ravenous. So, in 6th grade when I felt the emotions coming on at the beginning of class I had to do something. I assume mean things were said just before entering the classroom. We had those desks that had the writing surface hinged so that you could lift it and store things in your desk. I found another use for them! In desperation of not wanting the boys to see me crying I lifted the lid and yep, put my head inside and pulled the lid down as much as possible. This just brought attention. DUH! As the teacher inpatiently instructed me to remove my head from my desk the kids saw that I was crying. One girl actually showed sympathy. I liked her from that day forward. However, the wolves did not follow her example. I was thereafter referred to as clam head. Boy did I know how to provide them with ammunition!

That year I had a crush on a girl named Patty. She had a brother named Ronnie. I must have mentioned the crush to one of the boys. I know I didn't mention it to her! Anyway, I received a note from her telling me that she liked me and thought I was cute. Feeling badly about myself like I did this was a very big deal. I couldn't have been more excited. This was back in the day when you would ask a girl to "go with you". I had no idea where successfully paired couples "went" but I started getting the idea in my head to ask Patty to "go with me". I guess I could figure out where later. So, after many days of torturing myself I finally gained enough courage to call her. To my suprise she was very friendly and this built my confidence even further. So, I soon found myself in an out of body type of experience where my mouth and voice box were independantly functioning verbalizing "will you go with me?" SHE SAID YES! Wow. Now what. "OK, see you tomorrow". To this day that was one of the scariest situations I have ever been in. What is worse... it became even scarier the next day when I had to face her. I was scared numb. I peered around corners and took halls that I thought would increase my chances of not running into her. But, it was all in vain. Not long after the first class bell rang it started. For some strange reason the boys were telling me I was gay. Then they would laugh such that you would have thought the best joke in the world had just been delivered by the most gifted comedian. My tears and pleading must have broken one of them down because he finally told me that I had asked Patty's brother Ronnie to "go with me". The entire time I thought I was talking to a very receptive and friendly Patty I was actually talking to her brother! You would have thought he would be the one to be accused of being gay. But no. He was heralded for pulling off such a great practical joke on clam head. I have to admit, it was pretty good. I mean, to forge a note and then follow it through by taking advantage of a phone call to his house! Pretty lucky or pretty sinister. I would love to know what came of Ronnie. I wonder if he is gay.

This was a significant time. I was hurt deeply enough that I actually shelled up and avoided any and all situations where I might be vulnerable. I think the kids realized they might have pushed too hard. he next year or two progressed with little abuse. However, I still had a lable.

When there was a high school football game the entire town came out. The teenagers would all gather on the practice field next to the stadium. Most of the boys would play touch football or tag. A few would hang out with the girls. You can picture the setting I am sure. Groups of 4 or 5 kids standing around talking and laughing. Of the group 2 or 3 dominated the conversation with a few more shy kids just hanging on their words. I didn't want to play football (bad memory) and as I walked up to a few different groups of kids the result was always the same. Not one person noticed me walking up or standing there. So, I had overwhelming thoughts enter my head. "They don't even know I am here". "No one would even notice if I was gone". So, I wandered off. I found my way behind the stadium bleachers. It was very dark and except for an occassional little kid running by it was quiet. I ended up deep under the stands. I layed down with tears flowing freely. I had thoughts of wishing I didn't exist. I laid there for some time. Someone must have noticed me wandering off. After the game ended some of the kids were going around calling out for me. What was this? They care? Someone noticed me under the bleachers. One of the girls said, "Is he dead?". I remember feeling so good because there was obvious worry and concern in their voices. They would actually care if I was gone.

I think the combination of the kids growing up some and the knowledge that they had deeply impacted me led to them actually beginning to be friendly toward me. The last part of 8th grade and the beginning of 9th grade were actually enjoyable. I began to develop some ability and confidence in basketball and no longer defaulted to the unlucky team that got the last player. I even had one of the cutest girls in town end up liking me and giving me my first kiss. Life was heading in a good direction. Then it happened. The spotted owl devastated the lumber industry in 1979 and the saw mill shut down. Dad announced that we would be moving to Canon City, Colorado. So, half way through 9th grade we moved. I was curiously distraught over this fact. You would have thought I would be thrilled to leave. Not so. My best friend Eric Hokanson gave me a going away present. A .45 replica black powder hammer and cap pistol. It is among my most prized possessions. Just for trivia purposes his older sister Misty married Dan Hawkins who went on to become a very successful football coach for Boise State and now the NFL.

Additional memories of Happy Camp with a more upbeat and positive twist in upcoming posts.