Tender moments...

Today would be McKaylee Brooke's 21st birthday. Having taken a job in Idaho I had to leave my sweetheart in Utah toward the end of her pregnancy. I left late Friday night August 5th to drive to Provo where she was staying with her sister Ginger. I had Britney with me. Around Snowville I became excessively tired around 1:00 am and pulled to the side of the road. I slept soundly as did Brit. A semi rocked the car and awoke me a few hours later. I continued my drive. As far as I knew I was driving down to take Wendy to a stress test the doctor had finally scheduled 9 days beyond the due date.

When I arrived at Scott and Ginger's home I found a note on the door that said that they had left for the hospital. I drove very fast to Payson where our doctor was. My emotions and senses where heightened. I was in fear I would be too late. Brit was in my arms and we were walking very fast. As we rounded the corner and looked down the long hallway I saw my brother Scott Livinston sitting in a chair with his head lowered as if tired. It was early morning so this didn't look out of place to me. As he looked up - his expression was lacking the "hurry up look" which gave me a false sense of comfort. I slowed my pace. But, as I got closer I realized there was more to his countenance than I first saw. It was then that I knew something was wrong. My thoughts immediately went to the fact that it might be Wendy. I said, "Scott, what's wrong... is it Wendy?" As he shook his head in a negative manner I fully realized that it was our long awaited 2nd baby girl. The sister to our sweet Brit. The new spirit we had anxiously prepared to have in our home. At that moment words were not necessary. I knew. I reacted as one would. The nurse looked me in the eye and said, "Mr. Landrum, you must be strong your wife needs you right now".

I gathered myself and entered the doorway just feet away. As I walked in I passed our baby girl wrapped in a blanket as I went to my wife's side. The next hours were very personal and I will never forget them. We were able to spend an hour in our room with McKaylee and then they took her.

The balance of the experience has unfolded over the 21 years that would have been our angel's life. I want to express some things about my emotions and feelings and feel it appropriate to do after all these years.

I became bitter toward the doctor due to his neglect. I was convinced that if we had another doctor things may have turned out differently. I became bitter toward God. I had a sense of entitlement due to having made what I thought were mostly proper decisions throughout life and felt betrayed. Why would you let this happen to me? I became bitter toward myself for not demanding the doctor do stress tests earlier... at the due date. Further, I had asked for the doctor to induce labor at the due date and allowed him to talk me out of it. Had I been more of a man and spoke my mind I might have saved her!?

To be honest, it took years to overcome many of the feelings and thoughts. I forgave myself last. The doctor was not worth wasting my emotions toward and I suprisingly found it easiest to forgive him. I felt comfort that if he was at fault that he would eventually be accountable. After a few years I came to the realization that my selfish resentment toward God was entirely backward and shameful. How could I shut out the 1 source of comfort and insight into my wife and I's tragedy? Without the love of God I could not have come to peace with such a difficult experience. To be honest, I am not sure that I have fully overcome the inward feelings that I had toward myself but do know that I have learned a great deal about myself in the process so far. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and wants me to be happy.

Anyway. I felt it appropriate to share some of my feelings and thoughts with my family after all these years. You were all part of this with us. You hurt and cried at our loss and the felt the pain we were experiencing. It was your loss as well. I truly believe there were bonds of love created through the experience. We thank each of you for the strength you provided us at such a difficult time. I will never forget the image of our loved ones surrounding us as we said goodbye to her, together, as a family.

The circumstances did not allow for me to be there as Wendy went into labor. Ginger and Scott were there for her. In hindsight I realize the hand of God in the events. I know myself. God knows me. I could not have been in the room when it was discovered that she was gone. My vacancy caused Wendy to use her own strength. I would have complicated that and made it harder for her. However, I walked into the room minutes after she delivered McKaylee. One of the truths I have come to learn is that my loving Heavenly Father was in control of those events to protect my wife and I both from even further hurt. This was not coincidental. I admire and respect my wife for the rock that she is. I lean on her. I learn from her.

I have one very overdue and sincere appreciation to express. My brother Scott Livingston was there for my wife in a situation I could not be. He held her hand. He leant her strength. He comforted her. He blessed her. I will eternally be grateful and I know he fully comprehends my love for him and his wife for their service at that time. That is a bond that will not be lost.

After 21 years I still feel my daughter's place in our family. I know that she would have a little bit of each of my other girls in looks and spirit. Therefore, I believe I have caught glimpses of her. She is beautiful.